Hello there! ❤
Thank you for stopping by. If you enjoyed the first part of the #Deep Conversations series, then you’ll enjoy this as well.
Let’s get right into it.
Introductory Note: Dr. Phil Ransom-Bello
I’d like to share one scripture to edify us before we kickstart the conversations this evening.
One of the reasons why we talk about relationships in church is so that we don’t bring what we think we know about how relationships or family life should be. There is a design pattern which God desires it to be.
How many of us know that marriage was instituted by God and not by the western world? And so the standards of marriage have to come from God.
So it’s important we pattern our lives according to the dictates and the details of how God expects relationships and marriage to look like.
So we should be open minded to wisdom tonight. It’s important to note that the transformation that will come will not necessarily bring an immediate change at the go but transformation, in that it will be progressive and the more you look at God’s reality, your life is being transformed.
Romans 12:2; sometimes we don’t really know what satisfies until we try it God’s way.
So people need to try it God’s way to see the satisfaction.
So as we proceed to the Q&A session, I want you to drop like hot potatoes, your own opinions and receive what is being taught even if it counters what you know.
You don’t have to go with popular opinion and culture.
■Questions & Answers
The questions were divided into three categories and answers were provided by a panel of four seasoned individuals made up of The Love Doctor(Taribo Joseph), Pastor Idahosa Iyawe, Mr. Daniel Ikuenobe and Dr. Ajimegor Ikuenobe.
Category 1
Q. How vulnerable should I be in a relationship? What’s the limit?
A. The Love Doctor
From the onset of a relationship, start to share the real you. When you take a relationship seriously, you can begin to share. Because there is the danger of people falling with your shell and not knowing the true you. Encourage them to do the same.
However, guard your heart. Let your relationship be in the confines of your values. Don’t give up your values to sustain that relationship.
Think about it, can you walk away from that relationship without feeling hurt or abused because of the sacrifices or things you gave up?
Stay within tolerable limits.
A. Mr. Daniel Ikuenobe
Dean Sherman’s theory uses the analogy of the hands to explain that you should always stay on the same level with your partner, ensuring that you are on the same page with what and how you share, always.
If one person overshoots or overshares above the other partner, he or she should be aware enough to return back to the level of the other partner.
Person A: I like you.
Person B: I like you.
Person A: I really like you.
Person B: I really like you.
Person A: I really really like you.
Person B: I really like you.
Person A should return to: I really like you.
Q. Sir, I’ve been in a distant relationship for over 3 years, he’s been out of the country. I haven’t seen him, we only talk, I can’t let go maybe because I feel he hasn’t hurt me but honestly I don’t want it again and I don’t know what to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not scared of being alone but I just can’t let go. We haven’t had anything sexual we only spent a month together before he left.
A. Dr. Ajimegor Ikuenobe
I’d say, what is the plan, because we have established that as children of God, we don’t go on relational strolls. There is a destination. Long distance relationships are not preferred but they happen. So what is the plan? When are you getting married and what steps are you taking? If the conversations are along those lines, then okay.
One month is dicey because you don’t really know the person.
So the preferred option would be to call it off. But if there are other things that make it viable, you have to evaluate what the plan is.
There should be plans to see each other, especially because it’s been 3 years.
Q. A question was asked from a lady’s perspective on how to tell a guy she likes him without falling her hand. I’m interested in it being revisited from a man’s point of view. Some men fear rejection. How do we handle this?
A. Mr. Daniel Ikuenobe
You have to preach the gospel, she has to believe with her heart and confess with her mouth that you are lord.
If you think say you nor fit, you nor fit.
If you think say you nor reach, you nor reach.
Either step up or waka.
A. The Love Doctor
Don’t be afraid of rejection as a man. Express yourself and put on your best self. She needs to know that you are for real. Remember, like we discussed on Sunday, the plan is to express a painting of a preferred future for her that you want her to feature in.
If she doesn’t see it, it’s okay.
But remember that the goal is to develop yourself and be an asset, if anyone doesn’t see your worth, it’s their loss.
Then you move on to the next person that values you.
Q. For Single men who are really looking for a relationship and ready to get married, how can we find Single ladies who are also willing to settle in church? Is there any way I can go around this?
A. Mr. Daniel Ikuenobe.
There’s a rule of thumb. Anyone who cannot be your wife should not be your friend.
Just the way there’s the outer court, the inner court and holies of holies, just the way there’s the Seventy, the Twelve and then the Three.
Your friends should be typically people that you share similar values. Some may be closer like the Twelve, and then out of the Twelve, you should have the Three.
Look, even if you stay with the devil, you’ll become attracted. You would start to get closer.
So don’t go around stirring up emotions, just have friendships.
Before i committed to my wife, if I met a lady as a friend, I carried out a quick mental search against the backdrop of scriptures.
You have to use your head to pre-screen those who come into your space because there may be a time your head judgement may not be in top form.
Don’t make it look as though you are looking for a wife. As you make friends, make friends based on shared values, interests etc.
So when you now have someone who is special, you won’t have backlash from leading anyone on.
Q. How long do you have to wait on a guy as a lady, especially in a “ship” without assurance?
A. Dr. Ajimegor Ikuenobe
I don’t think a lady was designed to wait for any assurance from any ship. There should be a destination, if there are red flags along the way you should be able to talk about it and probably redefine the relationship.
At every point, you should know what is happening. He should be able to articulate why he’s taking it slow.
Also, back off and give space to be chosen. Allow the guy to make up his mind.
A. Mr. Daniel Ikuenobe
If the guy has not applied, he is not an applicant. Signs are dangerous from the ladies point of view. We communicate in words, gestures and spirits.
Ladies, don’t be stupid. Nothing said, nothing implied.
Save yourself the emotional trauma and cut off. If he’s ready, he will apply.
Q. What do you do in a situation where you’ve been friends with someone for over a year plus, almost 2 years and you guys have grown very close as friends. The relationship started from connecting on a spiritual level (you both grow each other or add to each other spiritually), then you both share the same interest and similar career paths, and you guys enjoy each other’s company. And funny enough this person fits the description of what you prayed for in a spouse. But they’re in a relationship with someone else. So you respect that and still remain a friend but you find yourself secretly wanting more than friendship as you guys grow in friendship. The other person has also shown interest in wanting more than just friendship but they are still very respectful and committed to their relationship. You’ve tried to cut off talking to them so you don’t fall too deep but it never works because they say they value your friendship too much to allow you to not be in their lives, that they prayed for a friend like you.
So in summary, this person builds you spiritually, career and goal wise and you love each other’s company. But you find that you’re really falling for this person who’s in a relationship. So what should someone do in that situation?
A. Dr. Ajimegor Ikuenobe
This is like an entanglement.
It sounds complicated but it’s really not. Thank you for respecting the person’s relationship. The truth, is you already know the answer. The closer you stay to that person, your emotions keep getting involved because you are human.
So, give him some space. If your concern is you value his spiritual friendship and don’t want to let go, take a break, download P. Phil’s messages or get a sister friend who can sharpen you spiritually as well.
It’s not easy to be in this place and so I’m encouraging you as well.
Q. How do you know your guy really loves you if he doesn’t call or chat with you in a long distance relationship, does this mean he’s cheating?
A. Mr. Daniel.
I don’t know about this being a relational stroll, seems more like there’s network problem. If you love someone, you naturally want to spend time with them.
And quite frankly, it doesn’t mean that he’s cheating, it just means he’s drifting.
Dr. Ajimegor Ikuenobe
He’s not that into you.
Mr. Daniel Ikuenobe.
The point is you are not priority. It will be helpful for you to call it what it is.
It’s simply binary- Yes/No. Those gray areas aren’t reflective of the standard.
Even virtual engagements is as powerful as physical engagements.
Actually, a lot of guys could be cheating virtually while with you physically. So we have to be intentional about this media culture.
Point is, if he’s into you, he’ll definitely engage.
■Category 2.
Q. How can a believer check for sexual compatibility without having sex or making out? Also, how do you manage honest conversations without it spiralling into something else?
A. Dr. Ajimegor Ikuenobe
We all agree that the design of God is that sex is to be enjoyed within the bounds of marriage.
Sexual compatibility in this context is a myth. Because of what we took in, we already have an idea. But you see, picture a child trying to walk, when he stumbles and falls, do you as a mother pick him up and say, “It’s okay. Don’t bother trying to walk.”?
In the same way, when we do it God’s way with the foundation of a strong emotional and spiritual connection in a safe space where you can be vulnerable, when you come together, you are learning sex. You are also discovering yourself, what you like and where you like to be touched.
It might be awkward initially, but against the backdrop of love, sex in marriage is that we put ourselves under and focus on the needs of one another. Against that backdrop, you are constantly improving and you get to a place where sex is blissful.
Sex is not just physical, it’s emotional and spiritual. This is why we carry a lot of baggage when we do these things before the right time.
For those who have done it before, it’s in the past. There’s no more record as a believer but you have to renew your mind, so that you replace what you knew and are patient with this person now in marriage.
Even if you were changing sleeping partners, there’s always the beginning phase where you learn the other person. Isn’t it?
A. Mr. Daniel Ikuenobe .
Marriage is the commitment. If you want it, put a ring on it. Within the legal construct of marriage, you are safe. It protects the woman. There are natural, psychological and even spiritual dimensions to it.
The way God designed it is for your good. He knows how it works best.
A. P.iDeal Iyawe
The concept of “How do I check for compatibility?” is based on falsehood. A root cause analysis of this will show that fear is behind it and you trying to work out things for yourself.
Love is patient.
In the part of sexual experience from the past, old things are passed away and the new is your husband now.
How come you don’t you want to check for if your wife can be a mother?
A. Dr. Ajimegor Ikuenobe
Concerning the question of how to manage honest conversations without it spiralling into something else, please don’t talk about it when two of you are inside alone.
Talk about it in the open. In an eatery so if something wants to come over you, it can happen in the open.
Articulate the boundaries and be accountable to them. Don’t cross them. Be sensitive during your discussions, you should know when to stop.
A. The Love Doctor
It’s a wrong notion that our environment has made us think about sexual compatibility.
You ‘re forever a student of the one you get married to. While you study their characters, you study their bodies as well.
Having honest conversations should be against the backdrop of a vison to have a home where we can talk about these things without judgment and we can manage the conversations about exploring each other’s bodies.
Q. Pastors all over the world has preached a lot of spiritual messages, which we are grateful of but Sex also is spiritual and they have avoided it from d pulpit Why? They have restricted it to married people. Why? Some of us who are not married know about it even in a deep measures, but what if what we know is wrong? Can we know what is right even before marriage? Sex knits both souls together. How? I think sex is an act of Worship. Please tell us more about Sex as an Act of worship because it is deep in fellowship.
A. The Love Doctor
We know that people in relationships have trivialized sex but if God says sex joins two people; body soul and spirit, then it does. It may be a physical act but it’s beyond that.
For unmarried people, no matter how fun it is, they don’t really exhibit that joyful satisfaction in their lives.
The idea is not for cheap thrills but so we can enjoy extraordinary unity in the bond of holy matrimony.
A. Mr. Daniel Ikuenobe
Why would you want knowledge that you can’t apply?
Yes, it is important to teach on sexuality. Man is a sexual being so you need to know how to express your sexuality and how to possess your body before you are married and when you are with the one.
Like my wife said on Sunday, Sex is the celebration of the covenant that is rooted in communication and openness and vulnerability. So this comes from a backdrop of deep communication.
Imagine when you have sex or bring forth children in an environment that is not love filled.
So follow the sequence, the program and what God intended it to be.
Q. My girlfriend(who i am in a serious relationship with) just moved into town and she doesn’t have anywhere to stay. She wants to get a job here. I stay alone and I want to accommodate her until then or maybe even afterwards so we can cut our costs. Is this okay for a believer? We have no plans to have sex. We haven’t had sex in the last 1 year of our relationship.
A. Dr. Ajimegor Ikuenobe
The answer to this is NO. We don’t even need to explain why.
Q. How far can we go in the marriage bed? Is BDSM allowed?
A. Dr. Ajimegor Ikuenobe
Sado-masochism/BDSM is where sexual pleasure is derived from pain. Something’s are not expressly stated in the Bible but we can infer. I don’t think there’s a place for it because you are hurting someone. It was even classified as a mental disorder. After the release of fifty shades of grey, there was a rise in sexual violent crimes.
In addition, it doesn’t resemble Jesus to me. I don’t see the place for that in the loving safety of marriage.
Q. As a married believer, is it okay to have oral sex?
A. Dr. Ajimegor Ikuenobe
On the topic of Oral sex and Anal sex.
For oral sex, if we come from the place that sex in a marriage is loving and in a safe place, then it’s important to find out if it’s harmful or capable of hurting another.
Medically, Oral sex is not dangerous except the person has an STD and it would be dangerous for any orifice in any case.
Let me address this from the angle of the person who does and the person who doesn’t.
For the person who doesn’t, understand that your body is no longer your own, it won’t endanger you, so you should be open if your partner desires it. Understand that in the beginning, somethings will be uncomfortable like sweat and breath.
For the person who desires it, be patient. The mindset shift takes time and you shouldn’t impose it on your partner or withhold affection or favours or throw tantrums.
That’s not the spirit of Christ and love.
Oral sex has been found to be pleasurable.
Anal sex on the other hand, is not safe medically because you go into an orofice that was not meant for it. And because it was not designed for it, it doesn’t have the capacity to expand as the vaginal orifice does. And so, you begin to have fissures and injuries and so as you poop, it becomes infected and it’s usually painful for the receiver.
And that’s not the Spirit of Christ.
■Category 3
Q. How do you stay committed? This is for someone who gives up easily.
A. Mr. Daniel Ikuenobe .
The way you stay committed is by staying committed. How do you sit on a chair? It’s as simple as that. Many times you don’t feel like it, but you stay there. See through.
Love is not a feeling, it’s a choice.
Scripture says, “God set His love upon us” so you set your love upon the person.
It’s a function of the will.
Don’t say the heart wants what the heart wants and you couldn’t help yourself. Of course you can help yourself!
You have to declare to that person, “I may meet more adventurous, fun, beautiful women/men than you, but I choose you.”
And you keep that commitment regardless of life’s conditions and changes.
You make a choice and you stay with your choice.
Q. I am a single mother and I want to move on but the mother of my baby’s father really wants me to marry her son and I am not marrying because her son seems distracted with other women and I really want to move on and be in a relationship with another that would finally lead to marriage. But how do I do so and make her see reasons that I cannot be waiting for her son that seems to be interested in other things and not me?
A. Dr. Ajimegor Ikuenobe
I think you just need to move on. You don’t need to make her see reasons. There will always be a relationship because of that child but against the backdrop of everything we have learnt, he hasn’t made a commitment so you shouldn’t wait around, just move on.
Q. Is there a systematic way to getting into a Lasting relationship? How do you ascertain a person’s ability to commit to a relationship?
A. The Love Doctor
After the rush of initial attraction, know each other as friends. Knowledge gives you clarity. For the relationship to last long, friendship is key because it gives you the knowledge and ability.
When entering a relationship, you should be making an informed decision based on what you know and focus on building the relationship.
You are building the relationship based on your values. You should do a value check to be sure that you and the other person can commit to that relationship.
Q. When you have doubt about a particular person but you can’t tell what it is about, what do you do?
A. Dr. Ajimegor Ikuenobe
The obvious answer is to pray. Don’t take this lightly. You may not be able to put your finger on it, why there’s no peace, so take out time and pray about it and ask God for clarity.
Time also reveals a lot of things. You would want to slow down if you are about to get married and feel this way so you can observe more carefully.
Q. How can we handle a demanding relationship from the lady’s side?
A. The Love Doctor
Handling a demanding relationship from a lady’s side. The question is, what is she demanding for? Is it sex, money, material things? I think that most people have lost touch with the right way a relationship should be, some people come with a sense of entitlement. There’s a problem.
Love gives, yes. But if it becomes an unending demand that is expected to be an obligation, you become a burden and lose touch with the process you should go through for that relationship.
You’d lose sight of the next phase of that relationship because of the burden of the demands.
So, I’d say, understand where she is coming from and the demand, then talk to her and teach her on the right thing.
Q. If a couple have had their traditional marriage and court ceremonies done but the “white” or church wedding is still a case of probability, can the couple go ahead to consumate the marriage, as believers?
A. Mr. Daniel Ikuenobe
Was there parental consent and blessing during the traditional? If yes, then what are we talking about?
Spiritually, it’s the father that gives. What you do in church is a formal blessing. We like the “white” which is traditional but is actually European traditional.
If at the traditional ceremony, a pastor comes and blesses them, it’s as good as the “white” wedding ceremony.
So they can go ahead to consumate the marriage.
Q. When we raised the question of checking for sexual compatibility, yes, there is need to be patient with regards to learnig techniques and all that, but what happens in a case where one person has a biological or health challenge that prevents his sexual organs from functioning, thus affecting sexual relations and he or she keeps this a secret from the partner, what happens when it’s now discovered in the marriage?
A. Dr. Ajimegor Ikuenobe
First, God is not a wicked God. Someone who would keep that kind of information from you, overtime, it would show in his character during courtship. He or she will be shifty. And so God will reveal to you the danger of being with that person.
Second, without checking for sexual compatibility, you should be able to know if all is working well.
There were many times I had to run away from my husband during courtship, because my presence alone caused him to have an erection.
But if it does happen, the marriage can be annulled, in for example, a Catholic church, because it was based on falsehood.
Q. Yes, we know that some things like cheating cause problems in marriages, but how about finances, where one partner is obviously reckless with money, this can cause a strain as well.
A. Mr. Daniel Ikuenobe
Please get the book;
Communication, Sex and Money by Edwin Louis Cole. The thrust of that book is this, if you succeed in communication, you will succeed largely in the rest. Money is a pressure point so it’s important to have those conversations.
There are all kinds of preconceived notions from our parents and older ones, how not to let your partner know your true income or don’t have a joint account and all that. But the real thing is, if you can share your body, what’s money?
Agreed, some people’s predisposition towards money can be dangerous. But in any organisational design, there are plans and budgets, this applies to business and countries and all. It can apply to the marriage institution as well. So you should have conversations about resource control.
Articulate a family charter about finance based on agreed priority and relevance.
Sometimes, the wife may be more prdudent, the husband should be humble to listen to the wife.
Have those conversations and agree on the way forward.
Also, how someone manages his money tells you about the person’s character. So when you are doing your initial check, this should be something to look out for.
Scripture says, “If you cannot handle unrighteous mammon, who will give you true issues?”
At some point, you won’t be available, what happens? So you both have to grow.
If you are the more financially intelligent one, if you don’t bring the other person up, when you are absent, the family crumbles.
Q. On the matter of genotype, the sickle cell factor before you marry
Open your mind and go read about it. It’s a bit of a harrowing experience to bring a sickle cell child, beyond what it will do to your marriage.
It’s not the preferred.
Sometimes, some people are persuaded and so you can go to God to ask for a miracle change of genotype that will be confirmed in several laboratories. This has happened before so it’s possible.
And we know that there is no one person for anyone so if it’s a case where you are not particularly persuaded, please call it off and pursue another relationship.
Concluding Address: Dr. Phil Ransom-Bello
We are not pretenders in TSP. We are a people who are walking towards the standard. We are a baggage of people walking towards perfection, we are a message out of a mess. So I don’t want anyone to be discouraged because of what we’ve learnt tonight.
Your past doesn’t have to determine your future.
Rather, let your current situation bow to the truth of God’s word.
Most of the questions we heard tonight are questions we know the answers to.
You see, some of us have made decisons and they are affecting us currently. And so the tragedy is that even with what we’ve heard, we go back to the way we were. But no, determine to apply the wisdom and truth you’ve received today.
Relationships will be God’s way in TSP.
Marriages will be God’s way in TSP.
Raising our children will be according to His standards and not ours.
There’s a word for a lady here, don’t think that because of your past actions, you can’t get a good man.
Never come down to coping mechanisms but keep your eye on what is best. You deserve the best. It will come to you.
Love!
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